Doubt Experience
In the morning I wrote in my journal and titled it “Associate Experience.” Today I typed it and posted it to my Blog. Yesterday I refused to
do it. The doubt that I allowed to be planted grew quickly; soon I was entertaining strong feelings of doubt about the work I had done to produce another book relating to the Padgett Messages. “Why did I do that,” I asked, “why did I work so hard for two months to put together this new book?”
How did Dr. Stone do it? James Padgett died in 1923 and did not publish his writings. How did Dr. Stone stay consistent for 20 years before he finally published the first volume of Padgett Messages in 1940? And how did he stay persistent and consistent for another 27 years after that, to see other books published of the Padgett Messages? Did he flounder as I am doing? “Why bother,” I say. This is exactly the sum of my feelings.
Here is my point. There really is no ‘need’ for me to produce yet another book based on Padgett’s work. What is meant to be shown through another book that has not already been shown? After I said this, I was surprised that I was quiet enough to hear a voice within answer my question, which said the following:
“Consider this, Joseph, no one has the unique background that you do. Your life began in the church; you were born into it; your father was an ordained minister, and you grew up in the church, both literally and figuratively. You followed your father’s footsteps and became a pastor and teacher in the church. Yes, later you walked away from the church, and did a fairly good job of completely disassociating yourself from the church. But then you had the experience in 2006 of reading the writings of James Padgett for the first time – messages from Jesus and his disciples recorded by James. You felt unusually drawn to these messages, even when you saw traces of the church in them. Then you attended the Divine Love retreat in Washington and met Ron Shoemaker, who met Dr. Stone personally, and Ron sent you copies of letters from Dr. Stone to read. But before this, you were attracted to the old book that your friend Geoff gave to you, the 1950 edition of Dr. Stone’s book, “Messages from Jesus and Celestials, “ and in particular, the Preface that Dr. Stone wrote for that book. You liked his Preface and wondered why he did not use it again in later editions of his publications. And you chose it to use as a Preface in your new book. But now you are entertaining doubts about publishing your book.
“Well, you are not being forced to proceed further. You are a free man. However, consider your true feelings. You are not feeling happy. In fact, you are feeling lost – floundering is the word that you used.”
Then I spoke and said: “What am I to do? What is the next step for me?”
The voice within again spoke and said, “You do know the answer. I come only to remind you. Go to God in prayer, Joseph, enter into your closet of prayer. Wait upon God, Joseph, wait upon the Father. Wait, seek, ask and knock. This has been your way in the past whenever you have experienced doubt. Be who you are; Joseph. Do not attempt to be anyone else but you. You have come this way because this is you. This I do plead with you to see: Do not bury or attempt to hide the real you. Not now; not ever.”
Then I responded: “I agree … this is me. You are not forcing me. I go willingly. I will stop now; I write no more. I go now to pray!”
– Joseph